On my mind

Lots on my mind the past few weeks. I have been away from civilization, in a remote sub-saharan desert... ok, not really, but in Taiwan, and away from internet access. 

So, I have been thinking a lot about my life. And, seriously, I wonder how I have been able to get off so easy. I see so many around me struggling with major, MAJOR things. Almost all brought on not because of poor choices, bad planning, or any fault of their own. I am starting to think I need to be really ready for some major tsunami to come charging in. 

A friend of mine just lost her baby at 21 weeks. As I heard of the news I just cried and cried. It was her first pregnancy, so anticipated and hoped for. I cried for her. For her husband. For her baby. For my babies. For the babies I hope to have in the future. It made me so very sad. And I know that His plan is much better and wiser then ours. And I know that His purposes are perfect and right. But still, I cried. I cried because I can't imagine carrying a precious life, having to deliver the body that housed that life, and coming home with nothing. Nothing to hold. Nothing to swaddle. Nothing to dote upon all the love that was building. Coming home to a quiet home, when you really wanted sleepless nights, soft coos and even loud cries. Because those things mean life. Those things mean a baby.

I am one of those weird people that reads the obituaries every day. I am always drawn especially to those that I think should not be on those pages. The young, the healthy. I don't know why I read these. Maybe because I have had more than I would like of young death in my life. My sister, my Dad, my friends. And even having had these losses, I cannot imagine the sadness and emptiness of losing a child. I hope and pray(literally!) daily that I can have my children protected. Don't we all? Not that I am more deserving, or more needing of this blessing than any other parent in the world. I think of the mothers in poor or third world nations where their children are dying is expected and "normal." How do they go on? I can't even begin to understand their plight. How is it that I am able to be here, in this country, in the place that I am where health care is so easily accessed and expected. I suppose that they are much stronger women than I. Much more capable to handle these trials. All I know is that i am grateful to be where I am. 

It has been on my mind. Checking out for the night.